books, running away, & family (written 3/15/09)

Let start there… more specifically the last time I actually had time to read was… well… at least 3 months ago.  And I don’t even remember what it was. Due to recent circumstances- I have 2 whole weeks to catch up on my lack of reading. It’s not going so hot. In general… I’ll read anything. Within reason of course. I don’t do romance novels. The really gross raunchy ones I mean. I’m not a big fan of biographies or history books… kind of boring. Too real.  I’ll try n read anything, but generally I stick to fantasy adventure, science fiction, any place I can escape to. Which in my opinion is the best part of reading. It’s way easier to get lost in a book then to deal with real life.
Back to the point… I read Marley & Me first. It was so terribly real. He could have been any person… any dog. It tore me up, I related. I’m pretty sure Jared thought I was going crazy. If I coulda cried anymore I probably would have. Not exactly the best choice of reading material for my mood (which is just a smidge dejected? or maybe upset? thoughtful is probably the most accurate word).
Second was the Twilight series.  All four of them…  no biggies. I was hoping for more. I like to read series because if the 1st book is just OK (or totally sucks)… the author has the rest of the series to make up for it! It’s kinda an OCD thing I guess. I have to finish a series. Even if it disappoints me. Twilight did just that. Disappointed me. By far my favorite character was Jake. I know I’m supposed to like Edward and Bella. But I don’t. I thought they were both stupid and immature. I’m not even sure why I don’t like them! It’s a classic love story. And that was ok. I guess it was just too built up to really meet my expectations. The final book was the best by far… and it was only OK. All 5 books kept me safely out of my head for approx 4 days. Dammit. Now what to do with the next 2 weeks?

Running Away…
Naturally. What else is there to do? There are lots of ways to run away. I used to be proficient in many of them. Drinking (heavily). Smoking (a lot). Pills (a lot). Maybe some work. Actually running away. Physical management. Books. Art.
Anytime I got scared, upset, confused… whatever. I don’t know what to do. I know that the Lord wouldn’t give us more then we can deal with. But when am I going to get to stop “dealing”? Why am I always dealing? I want it to be ok for me to start planning my life! I want to know what’s going to happen when I graduate. I want to be able to plan… to be able to get settled & stable. I want to stop feeling like it’s time to run away again, like it’s time to get out, time to flee before things get harder.
All the same. I don’t REALLY want to run. I love all the amazing things/ people in my life. Jared, the rest of my family, my friends, Tipper, even the devil cat Jelly! Without the people I have… I would be in a much much different place then I am now, and (I’m sure) it wouldn’t be a good place. And while I don’t REALLY want to run I want to get outta my head. I wirte it out and I feel so whiney. I read it and it still can’t explain how I feel. Frustrated. Mad at myself for feeling so weak. I feel fake and stupid. There are people who have it worse then I do. Way worse. Grrr…

Ok. So we’ve established I love my family. Despite what issues I may have… glad I’ve got that outta the way. I wish they could understand how hard it is for me to be so far away.  Mom thinks that kidney stones and knee surgery warrant only the most casual of mentions… and my sister can’t call to say she’s moved out… no “procedure” is “minor” when I’m halfway across the country and mom as casual as always mentions it… I’m too far away. I can’t be there. All I hear is what seems like my family falling apart. Dirty details not really needed… I’m sure it’s all in my head. I know if it was serious someone would call… but it’s to the point I can’t even answer my phone without worrying what has happened to whom. As a little side note- I think dad might be done running. Finally.
There was this old guy crossing the parking lot yesterday at Safeway… I made some silly joke about him being slow. And then I realized he walked just like Gampie. He could have been Grampie. And it got worse. The feeling like I should run away… maybe run home… to make sure everyone was still there. And OK. Hmmm… mostly I mean alive. That includes my “HAMILY” in Danville too.

Rant and rage and what does it get me?
It starts with a feeling, a simple thought that sends me into a panic. I usually don’t even know what the thought was. All I know is… my chest gets tight, my breath gets stuck, my head spins, spots in my vision, heart rate skyrockets, & BAM! Welcome to a full on panic attack. I’m sure I’m crazy, but that’s usually where this all leads.


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